


Tea on the Run

by Thyme_Basalt



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: ASMR, Banter, Established Relationship, Fluff, Humor, Junker Style Affection, Junkrat being culturally insensitive, Junkrat records a tea review show during their international crime tour, Kidnapping, M/M, Mildly sexual depictions of bubble tea drinking, Mouth noises, Nudity, Really Shitty Food Porn, Ridiculous Disguises, Sexual Content, viewer POV
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2018-02-21
Packaged: 2018-11-29 05:35:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11434236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thyme_Basalt/pseuds/Thyme_Basalt
Summary: Jamison “Junkrat” Fawkes reviews criminally refreshing bubble tea from around the world (with occasional unsolicited commentary from his bodyguard).





	1. Taro

The screen flicks on to a blur of orange and muffled fussing with a microphone. Over the noise, a piercing voice shouts “Is it on, Hoggy? How do I tell if it’s on?” The orange withdraws from the camera lens and the face of a man appears. Just his eyes at first, burning amber set below bushy brows knotted in concentration. After a bit more fiddling, he seems satisfied with the camera placement and plops into a seat at the end of a desk. Looks like he didn’t do enough fiddling with the camera angle because the top half of his face is cut off, leaving just a wide, crooked smile.

“G’day, Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to the very first episode of-”

The image whirls without warning as the camera falls from its perch. For just a moment, you can see the man’s entire panicked face before it lands on the floor with a thud, pointing up at the ceiling.

“Damnit! I can’t get the fuckin’ thing to stay up!”

“I swear, Rat, if you break my tablet doing your stupid video-” A new voice booms into the scene, deep and resonating.

The camera (which is on a tablet apparently) is once again manhandled back up. A masked face scowls into the frame before it turns it away. It is genuinely alarming to expect to see a human face but instead see the visage of a black leather mask staring into the screen. Before you even have the chance to figure out what the hell you’re looking at, the figure sets the camera back up in front of the first man. This time the man’s entire face is in the shot: long, thin face, wild blond hair with bizarre balding patterns, those oddly colored eyes and rather disarming smile. He’s shirtless and filthy, most of his chest, arms, and face covered in soot and grease, which is a little off-putting for a man who is apparently about review the purple beverage sitting in front of him.

“Ta. Ya sure it’s on?”

“See the blinking light?” Loud tap beside the microphone. This video needs to come with some sort of headphones warning. Or maybe this is a poor man’s attempt at ASMR?

“Yeah?”

“That means it’s recording.”

“Gotcha!” The man sits up straight in his seat again, folding his hands on the table, one arm real, the other made of the bright orange metal that was blocking the camera earlier. This man looks like a patchwork doll made up of leftover parts and bits of trash. “My assistant tells me we’re recording again-”

“I’m not your assistant.” The voice from the masked man is farther from the camera now as he’s walking away.

“My partner,” the man corrects himself with an eyeroll, “tells me we’re recording again, so-”

“It never stopped recording.” The rumbling voice cuts him off once again. “Just fell on the floor.”

“Roadie.” The blonde rises to his feet, voice going deadly serious. “If ya don’t stop interruptin’ me, I swear to god I’m withholdin’ everythin’-”

The deep laughter drowns out the skinny man’s threats. It’s a laugh full of the affection and vindictiveness that comes from the rare chance to annoy a loved one who so often annoys you. The blonde drops back into his seat with a huff. He gives himself a moment to be irritated in a furrowed, pouty sort of way before he snaps back into his assumed camera persona, grinning and amicable.

“G’day, Ladies and Gentlemen!” He starts anew with the bright-eyed enthusiasm of a natural host. “Welcome to the very first episode of Tea on the Run with Jamison ‘Junkrat’ Fawkes! Maybe ya’ve heard of me from TV, maybe ya haven’t. My partner Roadhog and I are jus’ gettin’ started on a bit of an international tour. I expect we’ll be household names by this time next week! Wait, no, Roadie’s tellin’ me at least a month. Give it another month. Then you’ll hear ‘bout us.”

At this point, it’s safe to assume Roadhog is the masked man you saw earlier, but for as much as he’s been referenced so far in the show, he hasn’t had an official introduction.

“In this, my first ever vid series, I will be reviewing various flavors of bubble tea in unique locations around the world. Now ya may be wonderin’, ‘what gives this half a freak the qualifications necessary for the important task of reviewing bubble tea?’ I’m here to tell ya. I grew up in the irradiated wonderland known as the Outback, Junkertown to be specific. Tha’s in Australia, in case they don’t teach ya about the Outback in yer fancy first world schools.”

A strange look glints in his eyes: rage, frustration, despondency? You can’t exactly pinpoint it other than the fact that his face imperceptibly changed from warm, open, and friendly to unhinged in only a few seconds. And just like that, the glint is gone and he’s beaming again, but his hands are shaking and they definitely were not before. His metal digits drum mechanically on the table as if he’s practiced this pattern to ground him. It doesn’t make for a great audio experience.

“I didn’t grow up with much, spent most of my life scavengin’ and scrappin’ to get by. We didn’t have nice things like sanitary hospitals or real estate agents or bubble tea. But now Roadie and I are explorin’ the rest of the wide world, seein’ what we’ve been missin’ out on, fully takin’ part in the modern world.”

At this point, Junkrat seems to think he’s off-centered in frame even though he’s not and scoots himself a bit farther in, chair squealing on the tile floor. It’s a rather nondescript location where he’s sitting, but you guess it might be a hotel? It’s hard to tell.

“In case ya live under a bigger rock than the Outback and ya don’t know what bubble tea is, ol’ Rat’s gonna give ya a twenty second lesson.” He shuffles through the stack of papers in front of him. The sound of the sheets being moved about assaults the microphone and Junkrat is growing more and more agitated as he can’t locate his notes.

“Roadie!” He’s still scrambling through the pages. “My notes on the origins of bubble tea! Where’d ya put ‘em?”

“Didn’t touch ‘em.”

Junkrat growls in frustration, banging his forehead on the desk, his metal fingers carving scratch marks.

“You know it, Rat. Did your research, don’t need your notes.”

Junkrat lifts his head, looking over at his partner. A small smile grows on his face. That’s all it took, a little encouragement and he’s sitting up straight in his chair ready to go again.

“Bubble tea was invented in Taiwan! Ya can make it with green tea or black tea or any other kind ya like. Ya can put milk in it, which is the superior way, or fruit juice. The most important part is the fuckin’ tapioca balls.” He wiggled the beverage at the camera to make the black balls float around. “These squishy blokes are what makes it different from any boring ol’ tea. Some people make ‘em out of other things like Lychee and shit. I don’t know what that is, but I remember writing it down. Similar to leeches maybe?

“Now since I lost my notes, let’s move right along to today’s flavor: Taro!” Junkrat fumbles through the small pile of papers until he reveals a sheet towards the camera that says TARO in a hastily scrawled print. “This was by far my most requested flavor by my one viewer, Roadie, who only gave me an answer because I took his spikey boot and wouldn’t give it back until he did. This tea comes a little Tokyo tea shop around the corner from our hotel called ‘Happy Tea Time.”

Junkrat pushes the tea closer to the camera so the viewer can read the bright green and blue label. It’s out of focus and hard to read and he pulls the cup away before the image comes clearly into view. You figure “Happy Tea Time” might be relieved, as they’re certainly not tripping over themselves to associate their business with Junkrat’s mess of a brand.

“I got there at tea rush hour and had to wait in line behind a hundred tiny, tiny girls for like twenty minutes. How are people in this country so small? I don’t even understand. It makes it hard for Roadie and me to blend in, and that is no easy task, accounting for his big, fat body.”

He looks to see if he’s gotten any sort of reaction from his live audience of one. When he sees none, his face falls a little, but he keeps on going.

“Now if ya know nothin’ about taro, like I did comin’ into this episode, ya may be thinkin’: Junkrat, what the hell does purple tea taste like? I’m ‘bout to take ya on a taste journey, so buckle yer damn seat belts, it’s illegal to go without ‘em in this part of the world.”

He pulls the beverage over to his mouth, leaving streaks of condensation on the wooden desk. His eyes closed in tea-drinking bliss, Junkrat sips down a few gulps of the tea. He lets out a loud “ahhh” after finishing his first few sips.

“Now that’s an interestin’ flavor! It tastes like this one flavor of cereal that Roadie bought me last week. Roadie, what was that called?” No response. Maybe Roadhog left the room? “Damn, I wish I could remember. I had this cereal, real fruity and sugary. Tha’s the first flavor that hits me, like ya put milk on the cereal, ate the cereal and then this is the milk that’s left over. The next flavor is… like a nutty flavor? Then comes a slightly potato taste. According to the girl who was in line in front of me, taro is a root vegetable. Who would have guessed? All of those together mix up into a lovely medley. This brings me to my favorite part of the show-” As he sips down a good portion of the tea, he digs through the papers again and holds one up that says JUNKRAT RATES THE TEA. The page flips down so now it says TEA FLAVOR.

“I give this taro a 7 out of 10 for flavor. I think taro might not be my cup o’ tea,” Junkrat cackles at his own joke. You can see he’s lookin’ off camera again, like he’s trying to gauge the reaction of a certain someone. “But it is unique so I can see why some of ya weirdos might like it. Roadie tells me it’s a ‘required taste’ so I might give it another go in a couple months and see how I like it then.”

“Next category is-” He flips down the page to reveal BUBBLE TASTE AND TEXTURE. “Bubble taste! These bubbles are absolutely excellent. Slightly chewy, but not too much, sticky, and a good number of them. Good flavor too. I rate them 9 out of 10 for Bubble Taste and Texture. They also keep pretty well.” Junkrat plucks a metal canteen from his waist and shakes it at the camera. Context tells you that maybe he’s put some bubbles in his canteen? Seems like a weird place to put bubble tea.

“And my final category-” He’s staring off the camera again. It’s downright distracting how often he’s looking over at his partner, but this time you understand why. He flashes the last sheet to the camera, but doesn’t read it aloud: BUBBLE PROJECTILE SPEED. “Fascinatin’ category this one is!” He starts babbling on about nothing really related to bubble projectile speed, as he puts his plan into action. He’s slurping a couple globby bubbles out of the tea and dropping them on the desk, eyes fixed on Roadhog. “Let’s give it a try.”

The camera slowly pans and now you see it show the rest of a tiny, dingy hotel room and more importantly, Roadhog. This is the first time he’s been fully in view and holy shit, Junkrat wasn’t kidding: he is massive. It’s clear even as he’s sitting on the bed, watching TV that he’s way bigger than any human being should be. He’s got a huge tattooed gut with that leather pig’s mask over his face. It’s not quite as startling the second time you see it. His hands, resting on his belly, are the size of a normal person’s torso. Could radiation have done this to a man? They don’t make people who like Roadhog in any other part of the world.

A slight twung comes from Junkrat’s position off screen and a small, black ball soars across the room in a beautiful arc and hits Roadhog right in the snout.

“RAT!”

The seriousness of his crime is totally lost on the younger man as peals of laughter pelt the microphone and he doubles over in laughter. Stomping feet and the blur of the giant approach the screen before Junkrat scrambles back, climbing up onto the desk like it could offer him any real safety from a 7.5 foot tall monster with a vendetta.

“You’re done. Give it back.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Roadie. I won’t do it again.” If you had never heard a lie before it your life, your ears would have pricked up at that one. “I’m almost done.” He points the camera to his own face, putting on large, sad eyes, then back to Roadhog who is standing with his hands on his hips, scowling through the mask. It goes back and forth between the two of them a dizzying number of times before you see Roadhog wave him off retreat, picking his battles. He mutters something about going soft, curses under his breath.

“I’d rate Bubble Projectile Speed at an 8/10.” Junkrat says in a hushed voice just to his audience, making sure Roadhog doesn’t hear. “Very satisfying sound and speed, coulda hit a little harder.”

Junkrat’s voice resumes its normal abrasive volume, holding the tablet above him with a renewed host’s smile. “Well, loves, tha’s it for me for this week! If you have a flavor you’d like ol’ Junkrat to try next, give it in a comment below! I can’t express enough how little I know about bubble tea, so yer input is greatly appreciated!”

“You know you can’t post that, right?” Roadhog interrupts him.

“Why not?”

“The cops will know where we are. They’ll be here within twenty minutes if you put that online.”

“Roadieeee. C’mon, no they won’t!” Junkrat drops the tablet to his side, giving you a clear view of his pegleg (how many missing parts does this guy have?) and moves to focus his complaining more directly on his partner.

“This isn’t a discussion, Rat. It’s too risky.”

“But Hoggy! I put so much work into it!”

“That video took you five minutes.”

“Plus the time I went to the shop and bought the tea. And I did prep work!” Metal hand smacks onto the table and rustles around the pieces of paper he used for emphasis.

“Fine, it took you twenty minutes. The answer is still no.”

Rat lets out a screeching cry of agony that would lead you to think someone was pulling his toenails off. Seconds later, the tablet whirls back up and is held close to his frenzied eyes.

“Tea Nation,” he addresses his audience, his voice low, breath coming in heavily like he’s in a found footage horror film. “This man-” The image jerks to Roadhog sitting on the bed. Roadhog would not actually be too far off in appearance for a terrifying villain in a horror film, but not when that villain is sitting on a too-small bed shaking his head in his hands with a stack of pachimari behind him. Back to Junkrat’s face. “He is tryin’ to silence my voice! He’s tryin’ to put out my fire! But we won’t let him, Tea Nation! Rise up! Rise up against oppression! Fight for my freedom! Comment “Stop Hog Oppression” on this video to stand up against the iron will of my pig oppressor.”

“That’s enough, Rat. Turn off the tablet and give it to me.”

“No! See, Nation! See what he’s doin’ ta me!” He flips the video around to Roadhog who is patiently holding out his big hand for the tablet, not exactly illustrating his point. “I’m a freedom fighter and he’s tryin’ to silence my voice! Don’t let him!”

With that, Roadhog has had enough and a scuffle ensues. From the off-screen yapping cries of Junkrat, it’s clear he’s not being hurt in any real way, as much as he may be making it seem like he is. You’ve just about seen enough of this dizzy camera spinning and jerking when suddenly the tablet is hoisted high into the air. The video points down at the jumping Rat, his arms stretching out to grab it, his nose scrunching up as he strains. He comes to the realization that the camera is still on, light blinking down at him.

“Ya left the camera on! Hi, Tea Nation!” He waves up at it, forgetting his life and death struggle with his oppressor.

“Goddamnit, Rat.” Roadhog points it back to himself. It’s close enough to his face that his eyes can be seen through the obscured lenses. His voice may be gruff but his eyes even through the mask can’t hide a smile. “The host of Tea Nation is a moron, don’t give him your pity or support.”

“Tea on the Run is the name of the show. Does nothin’ I say ever get through that thick pig skull?”

Roadhog’s massive finger approaches the off button when an ear-piercing shriek stops him.

“Wait, Roadie! I didn’t give my sign-off!”

“Your sign-off?”

“‘Course, mate! Every good show has a sign-off.”

“Will you stop screaming if I let you?”

“Sure.”

“For the rest of the night?”

“I make no promises ‘bout what happens between a pig and a rat once the cameras turn off and the lights go dim. Sometimes volume control ain’t an option.” He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, giving a wink to the camera.

“Rat…”

“Fine, Roadie, sheesh.” He deflates, his shoulders slumping in disappointment. “I promise. No screamin’. Stop bein’ difficult.”

Roadhog gives the camera a close up of his skeptical eyes but turns it back to Junkrat for his sign-off. The Rat, however, freezes in place, eyes wide and panicked.

“Uhhhh… I can’t remember what I wanted to say. Shit, I wrote something down, I know I did.” He grips tufts of his hair and pulls at them, the pressure crippling him. “It was real clever too!”

The camera spins to Roadhog. “This has been Tea Reviews for Low IQ’s. Good night.”

“THA’S NOT THE FUCKIN’ NAME-”

The video shuts off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may or may not have been written to fuel my own bubble tea addiction.
> 
> I consider these tea review videos to be in the same universe as my other ongoing fic [What's Best for You](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10633668/chapters/23524338). While these are both stand-alone fics, I wanted to write something lighter and goofier that will provide additional context to their relationship in that fic.


	2. Strawberry Mango

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m glad you guys enjoyed the first part! This is super fun to write so try and stop me.

The video opens on Junkrat standing on a balcony. He’s clearly been holding this pose for some time: his metal arm resting on the railing and his fist on his hip in a faux-casual manner. He’s staring off at the buildings below, giving glances back at the camera every few seconds.

“Didya start?” He asks in a quiet voice like he’s trying to keep the camera from hearing him.

“Yep.” Roadhog’s voice is right by the microphone. It lurches a little when he speaks so he must be holding it.

“Damnit, Roadie, ya were supposed ta count down.”

“Too late.”

“Fuck- G’day, ladies and gentlemen!” Junkrat extends an arm in a sweeping welcome gesture. It looks forced, like he’s playing a role that’s not entirely Junkrat. “Welcome to Tea on the Run with yours truly Jamison Fawkes better known as Junkrat. I’m here with my assistant, Roadhog.”

The screen is pointed down at the ground at Roadhog’s terrifying, immense boots and the big man lets out an exasperated sigh. Junkrat’s peg and boot scuttle into view.

“It’s a joke, Roadie. Learn ta take a joke! They know you’re not my assistant.” The pegleg playfully taps at the spike on Hog’s boot. “Let’s put the camera back on me lovely mug. C’mon.”

Junkrat lifts Roadhog’s arm with the camera and focuses it back at him. He returns to his spot on the balcony and leans both arms back on the railing behind him.

“Tea Nation,” He shoots a finger gun at the screen. “I gotta say, I’m so touched with the response I got to my first video. Everyone back in Oz said said I would never amount to anything, but look at me now! Got me own show and everything! 

He beckons the camera forward with a wave of his fingers and Hog dutifully plods closer.

“In with all the positive feedback, I also had some criticisms that I want to address at the top of the show.” He fishes around in his back pocket and pulls out a stack of papers. “Because I want you to know that I’m hearing your feedback and am using it to improve the show. First comment-” he unfolds a sheet. “‘You should stop looking at your bodyguard while you’re recording. It’s distracting that you’re always looking off camera.’ Thank you, completely anonymous commenter for that feedback. In order to address this concern, I have installed my bodyguard directly behind the camera to avoid distractions. Wave at the camera, Roadie.”

One of Roadhog’s gloved hands comes down in front of the screen and gives a blurry thumbs-up. He seems a lot more participatory in this video. Maybe he’s in a good mood today?

Junkrat crumpled the sheet up and dropped it over the edge. The camera follows it down, watching the ball bounce from the roof of a car and onto the pavement. Hundreds of colorful signs flash in Japanese, bright and welcoming around the busy city streets. They’re about three stories up above the bustling people below. 

“Next comment,” Junkrat plucks another out. “‘You should wash yourself before you go on camera. No one wants to see a grimy person reviewing food or beverages.’” Junkrat extends his hands to display his chest, which you realize is surprisingly clean. “Please notice how lovely and sparkly and clean I am! Just for you, Tea Nation.” That sheet is also tossed over the ledge.

“Last comment: ‘You should give your bodyguard a blow job after you’re done with this video. It’s been like four days.’”Junkrat glares disappointedly at his bodyguard who can’t hold in his bellowing laughter. It seems Junkrat wanted to maintain the facade that not all the comments were from Roadhog. He crumples it up and pelts it at him.

“Oh and there were 316 comments that said ‘Stop Hog Oppression.’ How do ya feel ‘bout that, ya smug cunt?” Rat splays out all the remaining index cards in front of the camera.

“You really wrote that on all those cards?” Roadhog says, plucking them out of his hand. 

“Sure did. Wait, no I didn’t. Commenters wrote these.”

“316 commenters physically mailed them in?”

Rat bit his lip and squinted through his lie. “Yes?”

Hog snorted. “Why don’t you move on to the part that people actually want to see?”

When excitement takes him over and he claps his hands together at the thought of bubble tea, that’s when he’s the most genuine. You would watch that Junkrat review shit all day.

“Yes! Today is very special! Today, me mate, Roadie picked me up a special surprise bubble tea when he was out this afternoon. That’s what I’m going to be reviewing today. Okay, Roadie. Hit me!”

“Gotta go get it. It’s in the fridge. Wait here.”

Roadhog lumbers back into the tiny hotel room with the camera. As he pulls the door closed behind him, he turns the camera to his face.

“Tea Nation… I think I messed up.” He approaches a tiny fridge in the corner of the room. “I told Rat I would pick up him some tea and I waited in line forever and I think I got him the wrong thing.” He pulls out a pinkish cup and holds it in front of the camera. “It’s got blended ice in it. I’m pretty sure that’s wrong. Still has the bubbles.” The bottom of the cup is pushed towards the camera. “I barely knew enough Japanese to order this thing in the first place, there was no way I was going to try to argue with them.”

Hog points the camera out the sliding door to the balcony. Junkrat is bouncing back and forth, shaking and wringing his hands. The crooked smile on his face grows as he sees Roadhog pointing the camera at him.

“See how excited he looks?” A long sigh leaves his mask. “Hate to disappoint him.”

Hog lumbers back to the balcony, sliding the door open. He passes the frozen slush over to Junkrat.

“Sorry.”

“Sorry what?” Rat asks, taking the drink from him.

“‘S not right.” A big finger prods the side of the cup. “Blended ice.”

“No worries, love.” Rat’s smiling up into the camera. It’s weird and intimate the way he’s beaming at you. You know it’s not at you, it’s at the man behind the camera but it’s so hard not to feel that warmth from such a genuine smile, look of adoration. You can pinpoint the exact second he turns back into Junkrat the host. He concentrates, smile still present but it’s focused and determined. You feel like you’re looking at a vid host now, not your longtime lover.

“Some establishments offer blended. Called slush!” He shakes the cup into the camera and the microphone picks up the gentle sloshing. “Let’s give it a try!”

He pulls the straw to his lips, but stops short. “Don’t tell me what flavor. I wanna guess.”

Junkrat sips down a few huge gulps of the tea, little black bubbles climbing up the straw. That’s kind of a lot of a blended beverage to consume at once… he’s going to get-

“Rat, slow down. You’re going to get brain freeze.” Hog takes the words out of your head.

The cup is slammed back down on a small bedside table it looks like Rat dragged out here onto the balcony.

“That’s some cold shit!” For a second it looks like he’s going to be okay, big dumb grin still clinging to his lips but then he frowns and doubles over, clutching his head. It seems any semblance of a more “professional” show has gone out the window. “Fuck!”

“I warned you.” Roadhog says. A big hand reaches out from behind the screen and rubs the back of his neck. “Put your tongue on the roof of your mouth.”

Rat obeys, lifting up his chin and opening his mouth to show Hog he’s doing it, whimpering in discomfort the whole time.

“You’ve had brain freeze before, Rat. I showed you this trick last week when you had too much ice cream.”

“Forgot.” A few more seconds pass and Rat can unscrew his face, the freeze subsiding. He immediately goes for the cup again but Hog intercepts it, pushing his hand away.

“Give it another minute.”

“Roight.” Junkrat folds his hands in front of himself to avoid the temptation of picking it back up. “Okay, lemme take my guess.” He’s stroking his chin. “I’m gonna say strawberry. No- mango. Nahhhhh, strawberry. Strawberry is my final guess.” He looks at Hog expectantly. 

“Strawberry Mango.”

“That’s no fair!” Rat cries, hands on his hips. 

The whole camera shrugs with Roadhog.

“Okay, it’s the moment we’ve been waiting for.” Rat points his fingers at Roadhog who shuffles around. An out-of-focus sheet reading TEA TASTE appears in front of the camera. Unlike his partner, Hog actually gives it a few seconds to come into clarity before pulling it away.

“I give it a 4 out of 10. Sorry, Hoggy! The flavors compete too much an’ when I want bubble tea, I want simplicity. Plus it almost killed me with the brain freeze.”

“That was your fault, not the tea’s.” Roadhog says quietly to the camera. He knows his partner’s range of hearing, which is apparently fairly limited, as Rat doesn’t respond. Maybe that's why Junkrat always seems to be yelling?

Roadhog takes Junkrat’s expectant smile to mean he wants him to flash up the next sheet: BUBBLE TASTE AND TEXTURE.

“Bubbles are good.” Rat sucks a couple more out and chomps on them for the camera to see. Gross. “A little chewy. I’ll give 7 out of 10.”

The last card: BUBBLE PROJECTILE SPEED. It appears they’ve already chosen their target this time because it’s not Roadhog. The camera plods over to the edge as Junkrat readies a bubble in his straw. They stare down at the street at the pedestrians unaware of the Outback’s Premier Criminal Bubble Tea Review Show recording just above their heads.

“Yer call, mate!” Junkrat says, giddiness on his voice.

The camera scans back and forth, zooming in and out before it focuses on a suited Japanese man walking and talking with his finger pressing to his earpiece. A thwunk shoots out and the little bubble travels pretty damn far, hitting the man on the back of his head. He spins and lets out a shout, searching around for what and who assailed him.

The image whirls as they both duck down on the safe side of the balcony, cackling.

“I give it a 10!” Rat says, pushing Hog’s camera-holding arm out so both of them are sitting side-by-side in frame. He rests his head on Hog’s shoulder and smiles up at him. “Thanks for the tea, Roadie. Ya get points for tryin’, even if it was garbage.”

Roadhog grunts and rolls his eyes. “Garbage tea for a garbage man.”

“Hey!” Rat scowls at Hog and bumps him with his beak of a nose. “I washed myself for this. Smell me hair.”

“I know ya did.” Hog is staring at the camera. It’s hard pinpoint it with his mask but he almost looks embarrassed all of this is being recorded, even if he knows it’s not going to be published.

“Smell it anyway.”

“Rat...”

“Jus’ do it!”

Roadhog presses his big snout to Rat’s hair and breathes in.

“Tell the Tea Nation what it smells like.”

Rubbing his forehead, Hog tilts his head towards the camera. “Strawberry Mango.” He sniffs again. “With a dash of motor oil.”

The camera is knocked askew, pointing up at the many stories of buildings above them. With the flailing arms and legs, you think you can see Junkrat climbing onto Roadhog, letting out his trademark cackle.

“Rat-” Hog’s big hand appears in frame pushing Rat’s face away. “Do your sign-off first.”

“My sign-off!”

The camera is lifted by the mismatched hands and held out in front of him. Rat’s leaning against Hog’s belly.

“Tha’s it for me! As always, send in yer tea requests and yer harshest criticisms. Now, Hoggy and I have to go record a show for our alternate channel.”

“No we’re not.”

It’s pulled alarmingly close to Rat’s face now, just one of his eyes is visible. “Yes we are,” he whispers. “Hoggy jus’ doesn’t know it yet.”

“What’s the name of that channel for our more dedicated fans out there?” Hog asks.

“Uhhhh…” Rat scrunches his nose as he’s thinking. “75 Ways to Fuck a Pig?”

“That is actually the worst name you could have come up with.”

Rat smacks Hog in the face with the tablet. You really wish he wouldn’t do that, it gets pretty disorienting after the fifth time.

“Lemme hear yer great idea then!” Rat says, holding it up to Roadhog’s face.

The masked man thinks for a moment. “No Dick Too Big, No Hole Too Small.”

The screen falls to the ground with a clatter as Junkrat’s piercing laugh echoes out. The whole city street could probably hear his unhinged shrieks.

“Oh Hoggy.” Rat’s wiping tears from the corner of his eyes. “Ya just slay me.” 

Rat centers himself, giving one last attempt at signing off.

“Don’t forget to pee after you tea!”

“You better come up with a better sign-off next time. That was shit.” Roadhog’s voice is different all of a sudden, the tone and tenor clearer. His face is not on the screen but you realize he must have pulled his mask up, revealing his voice without all that distortion. It’s much more real this way, has a soothing boom to it and a gravel that makes him sound more of a man than a masked monster.

“Oh shut up and git over here.” Rat presses at about every button on the screen before it snaps off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These tea review videos to be in the same universe as my other ongoing fic [What's Best for You](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10633668/chapters/23524338). That fic is not as fluffy.
> 
> I've really enjoyed writing these and have some fun ideas for other tooth-rotting chapters. Your feedback and comments are always appreciated!


	3. Bubble Gum

“G’day, ladies and gents!” Those bright orange eyes start by filling the screen: wild, cheery, unhinged. The camera pulls back to show his whole upper half now, held out in front of him. Behind him, you can see the towering form of his bodyguard, all power and intimidation, contrasting so deliciously with the bright pinks and greens of their surroundings.

“Tonight is our last night in Japan!” Junkrat’s beaming that wide smile of his. “We have something special planned for today’s episode.”

The camera spins around slowly, giving you a view of the entire space. They are standing about twelfth in line at a bubble tea shop. The walls are adorned with cute, green creatures that might be a sentient aloe bubbles? It’s hard to tell, the execution isn’t great. The screen keeps panning to the workers at the counter who are casting uncomfortable glancing their way, then to the rest of the people in line- what looks like an entire grade school field trip, a few teenage girls loudly discussing their choices, two businessmen and some families

“We’re inside an authentic Japanese bubble tea sellin’ establishment!” Rat’s thrilled, ignoring or being oblivious to the stares he’s getting. “Roadie and I have been here… how many times? Twice?”

“Five times.” Roadhog corrects him. 

That’s not the first time Junkrat’s memory has failed him on this show. You would think he’d remember being here five times.

“Roight, five times…” Junkrat fiddles with a strap on Hog’s pauldron before he regains his focus. “We’re basically regulars now. But Roadie’s never gotten tea. Today that’s gonna change. Ain’t that right, love?” The camera snaps up to the stoic mask of his bodyguard who gives a shrug.

“Now, as we wait-” Rat rustles through his cargo shorts pockets. When he can’t find what he’s looking for, he reaches back into Hog’s pockets. The giant lifts his arms as his charge circles around him, checking all his pockets until he surfaces with a stack of crumpled papers.

“Comments from my fans!” He smacks the pages against the microphone. Again with the shitty ASMR. You pray he never attempts real ASMR. That would be horrifying. “My precious pig, could you hold up the camera for me?”

Hog holds it aloft, so now it’s looking down on him.

“Ya tryin’ ta look down me shirt, Hogs?” Oh, that’s what looks weird about him. He’s wearing a tightly fitted black t-shirt, something you’ve never seen him wear before. Perhaps this is how he attempts to blend in, but his enormous companion in the leather pig’s mask makes that attempt useless. Rat rubs his nipples, grinning lewdly up at Hog until they are poking out beneath the fabric. You can’t see Hog’s eyes, but you know an eyeroll accompanies the sigh that hits the microphone.

“Stop that.” Hog smacks his hands from his chest. “There are kids here.”

“Comment numero uno,” Rat says with expert Spanish once he’s done rubbing his nips. “Dear Junkrat, love the show, you have a hot body-” 

“It doesn’t say that.”

“Rack off, ya know they meant to say it.” He straightens the sheet decisively and keeps reading. “‘How many boba can you fit in yer mouth?’ Great question, great question. Hog, show them the goods.”

Roadhog lifts up a bright pink 5-lb bag of boba, crinkling it into the microphone.

“We’re gonna cook up our own boba tonight and test out this question! Through the magic of ‘editing’-” Rat wiggled his fingers with the word ‘editing’ like it was some kind of supernatural force. “We’ll add that segment onto the end of this vid. So stay tuned, no skippin’ ahead.”

He doesn’t have to worry about that. You wouldn’t miss a second of this freakshow.

“Next comment from my beautiful, lovely commenters who I’m sure have a lot of money and are very well-endowed: ‘Dear Junkrat, I have never had bubble tea before, but I DO love Tapioca Pudding. Do you have a suggestion on where to start? Signed, Bubble-curious.’ What a great question, Bubble-curious!”

“You wrote it…” Hog mutters. Either Rat’s hearing is failing him again, or he’s choosing to ignore comments from his partner, as he charges onward.

“Ya like tapioca puddin’ but ya’ve never had bubbles…” Rat strokes his chin with his metal hand, staring off-screen. Hog nudges him forward in line. “Here’s my suggestion. Go to the store- I assume you live in one of these First World Wonderlands with all the food and shit ya could ever want just sittin’ around on shelves. Buy or steal yerself a jug of some green tea, usually has calming things like flowers and branches on it. Then buy or steal yerself a tub of tapioca pudding. Once yer back safe in yer home, traps are all set up, yer shotgun is set by the door ready to go off in case of intruders, scoop out some tapioca pudding, then gently pour the green tea on it till ya’ve got about a two-thirds ratio.”

It’s about at this time that you realize he’s not trying to give good food advice here.

“Now ya cover the cup with a lid or if ya have a bodyguard with a really massive hand, you can use that also, and ya shake shake shake it up.” He’s motioning his hands in a large, exaggerated jerk-off motion. By now, you find him pretty easy to read. When his eyes are large and bright like this, you know he’s not being lewd on purpose. It isn’t until he sees Roadhog snort that he realizes what he’s doing and his eyes narrow and his mouth twists into a knowing grin.

“Then yer done!” He throws his hands back in an ejaculatory motion, smacking a man trying to squeeze past them. “This is poor man’s bubble tea. The pudding will float around in small chunks and it will be almost like boba.”

“That’s disgusting.” Roadhog remarks in his deep voice.

“Disgusting?” Rat’s lip curls into a snarl. “You’ve gargled my cum before, ya don’t get to say what’s disgusting.”

“There are children around. Don’t talk like that.” The camera pans out to the side to show the viewer that there are families and young people around them. The two teenage girls behind them notice the camera and pull ugly faces at it.

“Don’t worry, most of them can’t speak English.”

“How many times do we have to go over this, Rat? Most of them do and you keep making that mistake.” 

It’s tough to get a read on Roadhog, given he’s behind the camera most of the time and wears a mask when he’s not. But there’s something in the way he talks to Rat about his memory problems that feels different than his usual level of exasperation. He’s tired of reminding his companion of things he’s already told him, of course, but there’s a layer of something else in his voice. He bites back frustration, the urge to lose his patience but there’s something else there. Sadness? Perhaps more complex than that? 

“Sorry, Roadie…” Rat’s voice trails off. A moment of uncertain awkwardness lingers between them, something you’ve never heard on this show before. It’s gone in a flash as Rat snaps his head up, smile returning.

“Let’s take a peek at the menu.” Rat reaches up to Hog’s hand and points the camera at the large, colorful menu. Fortunately for them, each order has a corresponding name written in English, so they know for the most part what they’re getting. “What are ya thinkin’ ‘bout gettin’?”

“Lemon.”

“Roadieeee,” Rat whines from off-camera. “Why do ya gotta be so boring? Tea Nation doesn’t want to hear ya talk about lemon bubble tea.”

“I told you I’m not talking about it on the show.”

“Whaddya mean yer not talking about it on the show? We’re on the show right now and yer talkin’!”

While Junkrat goes off on Hog about the food review show co-host code of conduct, you notice the woman behind the counter not taking her eyes off them as she rings up the last order for the nice family in front of them. An older gentleman walks out behind the counter, grimacing at them. The young woman leans up to whisper something in his ear and motions down to the phone in her palm. It’s clear Junkrat has noticed none of this, as his incessant blabbering continues.

“You’d think ya’d be like me, wantin’ ta try new things, experience new tastes but yer jus’ all lemon and boring-”

Roadhog’s big hand lands on Junkrat’s shoulder and gives it a squeeze, thumb tapping against him. There must be some hidden signal in this action, as the smaller Junker immediately tenses, eyes darting around the shop.

“We gotta go, Rat.” The rumble from Hog is tense, urgent.

“Ya sure?” Junkrat says, a new hint of uncertainty thick in his voice. “Could be false alarm.”

“‘S not worth it.”

The woman and the man at the counter are both casting uneasy glances from the Junkers to the door. Their time appears to have run short.

“Whata we do, Roadie?” Rat whispers. “Hostages?”

“No, we have to run. You’ll get blacklisted from every bubble tea shop in the world if you take hostages.”

“I know that’s a lie, but I can’t risk it.”

“Calmly leave the line, head towards the door. Calmly.”

“I can be calm. Just hand me the bloody tablet first.”

“If you’re even thinking about recording this…”

“I’m not daft. Jus’ hand it.”

Junkrat takes the tablet from him and pretends to push the off button. The two of them excuse themselves from the line and make their way towards the only exit. Rat’s holding the camera at waist level to avoid Hog detection but points it up so it can still see where he’s going. They’re about to successfully exit the shop when Junkrat snatches a pink cup from a young couple and dashes madly for the door. A scream from the woman sets the place in chaos, patrons jumping up from their seats, throwing themselves out of the way of the two freaks they’ve been eyeing uncomfortably this whole time. They’re almost out the door when two blue-suited officers appear in front of him. One of them yells in Japanese to the duo but Roadhog is an unstoppable force. He appears from behind Junkrat, barrelling through them, carving a path for his partner as they sprint into the busy streets.

It’s dizzying watching this footage. It’s better to not look at the screen and listen instead. Junkrat is panting, giggling, breathless and ecstatic, just a few paces behind his bodyguard.

“How we doin’, Tea Nation?” Junkrat points the tablet behind him, giving a view of the four officers in pursuit on foot and the destruction in their wake. The Junkers topple trash cans, throw anything that’s not nailed down at them. From the wreckage, it looks like Roadhog hurled an entire gyoza street vendor at them.

“Today, we’re gonna be reviewin’-” he takes a couple seconds to pant. “This mystery tea I stole from the Bubbz and Tea.”

“I told you to turn that off, Rat!” Roadhog howls back at him. 

“Let’s see what we got!” Completely ignoring Roadhog’s orders, Rat takes a big gulp of the liquid. His face twists in horror and he spits the pink liquid out, some of it splattering on the tablet screen. “This is fuckin’ disgusting! Who would even buy-”

Something grapples onto Junkrat’s wrist, hooking him and jostling the tablet out of his clutches. The Rat must have slowed up when he spat up everywhere, giving the cops an opening. The camera points up from the ground at Rat and the officer who hooked him with a small aluminum pole. The officer doesn’t hesitate, landing three quick strikes with his bare hands on Rat’s stomach, dropping him to his knees. Crouching over the tablet, Rat struggles to catch his breath from the brutal strikes. Two officers stand over him, but their victory is short lived as a rusted, gnarly hook whizzes by, catching both of them in its tetanus-laden clutches. They go zipping off the screen in a comical fashion and from the sound of crashing glass, you think they may have been deposited into the women’s clothing boutique nearby.

“C’mon, Rat,” Roadhog doesn’t hesitate to scoop Junkrat up, holding him in one arm.

“Grab the tablet, grab the tablet-” Rat wheezes out when Roadhog is about to stomp away.

Roadhog’s form appears over the camera, big, bruised, glistening with sweat, dust and grime clinging to his skin. He grabs it and drops it into Junkrat’s lap. 

“As you could see, Tea Nation,” Junkrat is holding the camera above his head as Roadhog runs down the street with him. “This tea was quite bad.” It’s still in his hand. That insane man got taken down by a cop professionally trained in martial arts and somehow he’s still holding onto this disgusting cup of tea. That’s some dedication to a vid series no one is ever supposed to watch. He gives it another sip and swallows it this time. “I think it’s supposed to be bubble gum? It’s piss-awful, that’s all ya have to know. I give it a Tea on the Run first ever 1 outta 10. Do not recommend.”

Roadhog’s loud, rattling breathing is becoming more and more obvious as they run through the streets. Rat lays the tablet on his chest, pointing up at Hog as he speaks.

“Bubble texture was okay, once I got through the nasty poop medicine flavor.” Junkrat the Tea Show Host is still talking but Junkrat the Partner is taking over as he reaches up and pops a large, yellow cannister into Roadhog’s mask. “Breath, love.” Roadhog slows his run, hand pressing over Junkrat’s as he breaths in deep. Yellow, oozing fog encircles Hog’s head from the cannister as the gas fills his lungs. “Taste is a little plain though. I give the boba a 6 outta 10.” Rat says, pulling the cannister out and dropping it on the street.

Roadhog is rejuvenated now, breath not coming out in sickening wheezes. The camera is still pointed up at him as they run. You wonder if Junkrat did this on purpose so he could come back and admire the footage later. It’s hard not to admire this giant of a man, muscles and fat and strength. From this perspective you feel like you’re the one being carried. It feels so safe- the way his eyes dart scan back and forth, how he holds you close to his chest when an unknown sound startles him, instinctively turning his back to the source to protect you from incoming damage. 

Junkrat, his gangly arms and limbs, the tablet, and the boba are all unceremoniously dropped. When Rat gains his bearings, picking up the camera, you see now that he’s in a sidecar and Roadhog is revving up the engine of the world’s largest motorbike. How this thing can get through the Tokyo streets is a mystery for the ages.

“And for my final category-” Junkrat hoists himself up, grunting a little through the pain in his stomach. “Bubble Projectile Speed!” He winces as he has to slurp up some of the nasty bubble gum flavored tea to get his bubbles loaded into the straw. Three officers in hot pursuit charge around the corner, pointing and yelling at them. 

It’s magnificent- the speed, the force, the precision as bubbles pelt the faces of the officers in a perfect line. Their faces twist in disgust and confusion as they wipe the gooey mess away. Rat launches about twenty bubbles in two seconds and he’s loading more into his straw-gun as Roadhog speeds off down the street. “10 outta 10!” Rat shouts at them.

The Tokyo streets are busy, but they aren’t being pursued as closely for the moment as they weave in and out of cars, making pedestrians jump out of the way.

“Coulda gotten them again.” Rat spits a couple bubbles against Hog’s mask.

“Shut off your video.” Hog grumbles, wiping them away. “You need to navigate for me.”

“Ooo!” Rat holds the camera up to his face. “I get ta be navigator! Well then, I guess tha’s all for me, Tea Nation. Remember, it’s not larceny, it’s larcen-tea!”

“That has to be the worst one yet.” Roadhog says, always with the critiques.

“All roight, tha’s it. I’ve had enough of yer backseat show-hostin’.” Rat climbs out of his sidecar and onto the motorcycle. Seems unsafe. “Yer hostin’ the next one since ya think it’s soooo easy!” Junkrat turns the camera back on himself now that he’s perched on Hog’s back. “Tune in next week for Roadhog’s debut!”

“Turn off the video. You’ve almost gotten yourself killed with it once tonight. Like I told you ya would.”

“‘Look at me, I’m Hoggy,” Junkrat is doing a mock Roadhog voice, hands covering his mouth to make it sound muffled. “‘I’m always right ‘bout everything, ya should always listen ta me, Rat, don’t think fer yerself.’”

You’re picking up this might be a common argument between them.

“Not in front of the fans, Rat.” Roadhog slams on the brakes to avoid hitting a line of school children. Junkrat almost flies off Hog’s back to join them but manages to grip onto Hog’s harness.

“Okay, okay, fer the fans.” Rat is deposited back into his sidecar. “Tea Nation, don’t forget ta-”

Two cop cars zoom up behind the bike, sirens blaring, almost causing Rat to drop the tablet. 

“I got ‘em, Hoggy!” Rat reassures Roadhog, loading up his straw with more bubbles.

The camera turns off.

***

The scene cuts (looks like they’ve learned a small amount of editing and made it out of that last encounter alive) to Junkrat standing with his hands propped on his hips, mouth packed tightly and his cheeks puffed out. He’s trying so damn hard not to laugh, but little puffs of giggles are spilling out and with them the mucousy sludge of the bubbles lodged in his mouth. The camera lumbers closer and closer to him until it’s right in his face. The close-up on his mouth with bubbles spilling out is downright disgusting and would probably be removed from any reasonable video uploading site for NSFL content. His loyal Hog doesn’t seem deterred, reaching out a finger and poking one of Rat’s puffed out cheeks. The contact makes Rat gurgle and snort, the ensuing look of panic and gagging telling the viewer that he probably accidentally swallowed one.

“This is the best challenge you’ve done.” Roadhog’s thumb and index fingers squeeze Rat’s cheeks. “Peace and quiet.”

It was only a matter of time before laughter would end the bubble challenge. Doubling over, Junkrat spills out all his bubbles into a cup he had prepared, wheezing with a wet, unfurling laughter.

“Now I just haveta count ‘em!”

“You didn’t count them as you were putting them in?” Disbelief colors Hog’s voice.

“Who does that? Spoils the surprise at the end!” Rat’s grimy fingers sort the spat-out bubbles, pulling them out of the cup one-by-one and depositing them on the table.

Roadhog looks at the camera, shaking his head, finger moving for the ‘end recording’ button.

“Hog, if you stop recording before I’m done counting-”

The video cuts out but only for a second as it turns back on and you are practically inside Junkrat’s mouth.

“TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY THREE!” Rat screams into the camera. “Okay, you can turn it off now.”

The screen goes black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your lovely comments! I try to incorporate at least a few of your suggestions for Junkrat into upcoming chapters so feel free to leave a comment if there's something you'd like Rat to review, if you have harsh criticism for him etc. 
> 
> This has been so fun to write. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> I've finally started a tumblr where I'm posting fics, Roadrat, etc. Follow me at: [Thyme-Basalt](https://thyme-basalt.tumblr.com/)


	4. Watermelon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the uninitiated into ASMR: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kb27NHO_ubg](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kb27NHO_ubg/)
> 
> You’ll get the jist in about 10 seconds of this video. I like to imagine Junkrat went down the Youtube hole one night and watched like fifty ASMR videos and was inspired to incorporate it in one of his videos. I have a weakness for ASMR related humor. I love to hate it so much.

A red and white cup of bubble tea sits alone on a filthy sill, a breeze gently tossing the plastic someone used to mend large cracks in the dirt-crusted window. A few seconds tick by with nothing in this scene changing and you wonder if it turned on by accident? Probably not, someone had to physically push the button, right? Just as you’re about to fast-forward you hear a harsh whisper by your left ear.

“G’day, ladies-” It’s Junkrat obviously, but he’s putting on a high, harsh whisper. The voice switches to the right side of your head. “-and gentlemen.” The way his voice dropped down when he said ‘gentlemen’ is somehow creepier than how he whispered ‘ladies’, if that’s possible. This is the ASMR tea video from your nightmares and you consider just skipping your way through it if it wasn’t for that burning, self-hating curiosity that begs you to see where this is going.

“Welcome to Tea on the Run.” A loud crinkling assaults your ears. This microphone built into the tablet is not made to pick up the delicate, intricacies sounds he’s making so it is incredibly distorted and jarring.

The sound stops (thank god) and Junkrat takes his place at the other side of a beat-to-shit table. You can see now that the offending crinkly item was a sheet of bubble wrap, which he has dropped unceremoniously on the floor.

“Today we have an extra special addition of Tea on the Run.” He’s still whispering, leaning over the table as far as he can to talk into the microphone. Oh look at that, he has a gold tooth you never noticed. “This will be an ASMR edition of Tea on the Run. Now, before you all unsubscribe and leave nasty comments that say ‘Let Hog oppress you’, this is a one-time special edition because-” He snatches up the tablet and points it behind him. They’re in an abandoned building, refuse, trash, graffiti covering the place. A downright revolting place for a food review video. Roadhog slumbers with his hands folded on his belly on a mattress. A blanket has been laid out beneath Hog that looks like it belongs to the pair, with its patches and familiar tatteredness. It’s a little hard to pick up from here, but the sound of Hog’s snoring can faintly be heard.

“I jus’ came back from pickin’ up my special beverage today from Sharetea here in Taipei and Hoggy was passed the fuck out on the bed.” Junkrat points the camera at his face, up close and personal. “We had a right awful time gettin’ in the city last night. Hoggy had ta drive pretty much all night as we tried to shake the border patrol. They were not happy with us jumpin’ off a ship and holdin’ passengers hostage an’ all that.” Junkrat is still whispering this whole story, despite excitement catching his voice as he retells it. “But we shook ‘em and here we are.” Another spin of the camera around to admire the entire dirty space. Their motorbike is there too, lovingly put to bed with a cover matching the one across the mattress. “I thought it was best I let my mate Roadie sleep. He deserves it.”

He’s unfocused, staring off screen at Roadhog for a moment, eyes narrowing in a memory. His fingers tap across the wooden surface of the table. You’ve seen him do that before, but you think that’s an unintentional addition to the ASMR video, something he does when his mind moves 100mph.

“Right,” his attention fixes back on the camera. “So that’s why we’re being extra quiet today to keep from botherin’ him.” Rat picks up the cup of tea sitting on the window sill and brings it into view. Metallic fingers spend a few seconds drumming on plastic cup, running up and down the side, scooting the cup closer to the camera to pick up all the sounds. 

“So let me tell ya ‘bout ASMR. This was a trend on the internet back a couple decades ago and it’s recently made a comeback. I found it while delving deep into food review shows. People whisperin’ into the microphone, eatin’ food with their mouths open or givin’ ya a head examination. All sortsa weird shit. It’s supposed to make ya feel head tinglies.” 

His mouth is practically engulfing the screen, not one but two golden teeth shining out of that gaping maw. 

“Do ya feel tinglies?” His voice is cracking with its desire to reach its normal squawking volume but he holds back. Mouth noises are magnified as he smacks his lips together just for the sake of making gross sounds. “Do ya feel it? Nah?” He pulls back from the camera and purses his lips in thought. “I don’t really get it. I’m like 95% sure it’s a sex thing. Maybe yer gettin’ off to this right now.” Rat gnaws on his lip in… seduction? It can be fucking hard to tell what he’s going for. “It’s okay if ya are, Roadie- I mean, dear viewer.”

Thankfully he’s moving over to the boba now.

“Today’s bubble tea is watermelon green tea,” Rat whispers, pointedly making eye contact with the camera, his gold eyes unwaveringly staring you down. “For you, Tea Nation, I had to order this from an bloody Omnic.” That word is the first time his voice rose to regular volume. Rage boils in his eyes before he pushes it down. “I… panicked a little when I got up to the counter. Didn’t mean ta order watermelon. Meant to get wintermelon. But Roadie told me to keep outta trouble so I didn’t blow its circuits out. Took my melons an’ left.”

Every ounce of relief you felt when he stopped with the mouth noises is instantly wiped away when Junkrat leans forward to drink the bubble tea. He wraps his lips around the thick straw in a practiced motion and takes a long, slow slurp. You can see the liquid and the bubbles traveling up the straw. Rat sloshes the liquid around in his mouth for a few seconds, then swallows it down with a gulp. That leaves the bubbles in his mouth, those dastardly, gushy, moist bubbles. Chewing with his mouth open, he chomps each one until he’s had his fill torturing his audience and lets them slide down his throat.

“Not bad, not bad,” he says, nodding slowly, admiring the cup, spinning it to clink the ice cubes. “Very subtle flavors, doesn’t taste fake like some melon does. I give it 7 outta 10. The boba…”

You pray he’s not going to do it. Please don’t do it. Yep, he does, goes back in for more, tapping around the outside of the cup as he dives back in to get a second taste of the boba. Rat resurfaces with a huge mouthful of the goopy bubbles, not as many as his test in the last video, but it’s about as detestable. Gulping them down, he nods to himself.

“Pretty good, a little soft, but tastes pretty good. 7 outta 10.”

It’s that part in the video now. You can see his eye twitching with desire as he turns his attention back to sleeping Roadhog. Every fiber of his being wants to pelt his snoozing partner with a thick helping of bubbles but he knows to resist. Knows Roadhog doesn’t deserve it. Not right now, after he was up all night getting them to safety. Rat smiles at the camera instead, propping it up as he prepares his straw.

“Yer turn.”

One, two, three, four bubbles splat across the screen, hitting the camera and oozing down. It’s getting harder to see as the mucusy streaks coat the screen but Rat is softly giggling as he pelts the tablet with the bubbles, splatting and slipping onto the table.

He’s finished having his fun, wiping off the screen to show the dumb smile again.

“7 outta 10… jus’ cause I couldn’t hit Roadie today.”

The image whirls up into his hand as he crosses the literal dump they are staying in and drops down onto the mattress where Hog is sleeping. His partner grumbles and stirs, but doesn’t seem to wake

“Shorter vid today, ‘cause I’m just as tired as Roadie. But I want to leave ya with a Symphony of Snores, conducted by Maestro Roadie Hog Rutledge.” Junkrat whispers and places the tablet on Hog’s chest, camera pointed at his masked face. “Good night, Tea Nation.”

You can see it rising and falling as Roadhog sleeps, snores and heavy breathing filtering through. It’s a constant noise that might be hard for some people to sleep through, a low growl that sometimes catches and chokes for a few tense seconds before it evens out.

And then you realize there’s twenty-five more minutes on this video and opt to skip through to the end. About a minute from the end of the recording, Roadhog has a particularly jarring lapse in his breathing and starts coughing and gurgling, waking himself up. He reaches out blindly and fumbles around on the side table before coming back with the large yellow cannister seen in older videos. He presses it into his filter and breaths deep, yellow smog filling the air around his head. A clatters rings out as he discards the cannister to the floor.

His heavy-lidded eyes take a moment to focus, but he notices the tablet blinking up at him with its red light. He sighs as he sees Junkrat has left it on and points the camera to his right. Just off screen the whole time, Junkrat had been sleeping with his cheek pressed against Hog’s bicep and his hands holding onto Roadhog’s. Mouth hanging open and drool pooling on his bodyguard’s arm, he’s not exactly the picture of beautiful, serene sleeper. Hog’s free hand comes into the camera view, smoothing down Junkrat’s hair, lightly scratching his scalp. Rat doesn’t wake up, but his mouth pulls into a small, non-manic smile and he buries his nose into the crook of Hog’s arm. Unintentionally, this has probably been the most pleasant ASMR portion of the video: the click and hiss of the Hogdrogen container releasing healing gas, the clinking on the floor, Roadhog’s soothed breathing, Hog’s fingers scratching Junkrat’s bristly hair, the rustle of the blanket as Junkrat pulls himself closer.

A big finger reaches out to stop the recording, but hesitates. Even Roadhog, for all the teasing he does, doesn’t want to leave the vid with some form of goodbye. He flashes a thumbs-up into the camera and the screen goes black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have some... ideas for where this fic is going to go. I'm afraid we may be heading to angst town soon because I just can't help it with these two.
> 
> I've finally started a tumblr where I'm posting fics, Roadrat, etc. Follow me at: [Thyme-Basalt](https://thyme-basalt.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Edit: Check out this [adorable fanart](http://skyskii.tumblr.com/post/165691856752/drawing-of-the-end-of-chapter-4-of-tea-on-the) of Rat sleeping against Hog from the end of this chapter!


	5. Lemon & Matcha

Junkrat’s face appears on the screen at a rather unflattering angle, camera pointing up at him from beneath his chin. It’s already a rather long chin and this angle makes him look like a strangely designed cartoon character. There’s a thick green canopy wreathing his head, quite a contrast from the dump he recorded in last time. The red light clues him in that he’s being recorded and he holds the camera at a better angle.

“G’day, ladies and gentlemen!” He’s barely containing the excitement in his voice. Normally, he’s rather chipper, but he seems to have something in store for today. “Today, we have a real special episode for ya. I know I say that every time… maybe all our episodes are special. But this one especially! We have a first ever guest on Tea on the Run! Isn’t that right, Hoggy?”

The image turns to Roadhog, marching along beside Junkrat through a thick, verdant forest. Now that you’re clued in a little better to where this is taking place, you do notice the chirping of wildlife and the muttering of insects. A blue and red cooler is slung over one of Roadhog’s shoulder and across the other is an enormous, gnarly gun, larger than one you have ever seen before. The question seems to catch Hog off-guard, as he stared off through the trees surrounding them. He gives a grunt that could mean anything, but Junkrat seems to take it as a yes.

“So,” Rat turns the camera back on himself. “Let me introduce our first guest, Ms. Tseng Ssu-ying! Did I say that right?”

Leading the way in front of the Junkers is a young woman wearing khaki shorts and a blue polo shirt reading ‘Xiaoyoukeng Visitor Center’. Her face is red and smudged with tears as she turns her head to the man addressing her. She gives him a short nod and a sniff, wiping her nose on the back of her hand.

“Ssu-ying works at a visitor center for Yangmingshan National Park. Roadie and I ran into her in the parking lot on her way out and she’s agreed to lead us on a very special excursion! Ssu-ying, could ya tell the Tea Nation where yer takin’ us today?”

“Please… don’t hurt me… I swear I’ll take you there.”

Junkrat sighs, a hint of frustration stabbing his voice. “Ssu-ying, how many times do we have to tell ya? We’re not gonna hurt ya! We jus’ want ya to lead us up to the hot springs. Could ya please share yer expertise with our fans? Tell ‘em about the springs.”

Ssu-ying turns more fully toward the camera and starts speaking frantically in Mandarin. The translator at the bottom of the screen works automatically. “My name is Tseng Ssu-ying, I’m a tour guide at Xiaoyoukeng Visitor Center. If I am not found, please tell my mother and sister-”

“All right, all right,” Junkrat cuts her off with an eyeroll. “Enough of that. Hoggy?” The tablet is offered over to Roadhog, who takes it and focuses on Junkrat. Rat straightens up his curved spine and dons his host persona and holy shit he’s wearing a grenade launcher on his back. No wonder this woman is terrified. As if the gun in Roadhog’s hand wasn’t enough.

“Since our tour guide isn’t gonna be forthcoming with the details, I’ll have ta fill ya in. So Roadie and I are on the run, as ya know. Things have been bloody tense for us in Taipei proper, cops everywhere, our faces plastered on TV. Roadie suggested we pop on out here for a little getaway where there aren’t quite as many people.”

They’re lying low, but they decide to kidnap a tour guide? The logic doesn’t follow, but they seem to be creatures of impulse. 

“We’re on our way to the hot springs here in Yangmingshan National Park. This park is on top of a dormant volcano!” Junkrat throws his arms in the air, mouth curled into an “O” of excitement. “The heat from the lava warms up some of the pools of water, makin’ hot springs. Years ago, before the Omnic Crisis, the springs used to be open to the public. Then the Omnics came around and ruined everything, like they always do, right, Hog?”

Roadhog gives a grunt behind the camera and his big hand reaches out to push Rat along, as he’s losing pace behind Ssu-ying. It can’t be an easy task for the two of them to hike up a volcano. Rat with his one leg and Roadhog with his size, you’re surprised they’re getting along as well as they are.

Junkrat hobbles along ahead for a few pace, then turns his attention back to Roadhog. “Omnics were preyin’ on people takin’ baths in the hot springs, ambushin’ people along the trails, choppin’ ‘em ta pieces and shit. That’s what I heard from a bloke in a bar who told us about the park.” 

Now you can hear the wheezing behind the camera. Rat picks up on it the same time you do.

“Ssu-ying, hold up!”

She freezes, trying not to move a muscle as she stands ahead on the trail. From the videos you’ve seen so far, you feel like you know these two well enough that they wouldn’t hurt a random innocent person. You hope not. But of course their tour guide wouldn’t know that from looking at them and being kidnapped by them. They cut a frightening image. Hog trains the camera on Rat as he paws his way through Hog’s belt to loosen a cannister. It’s clear Roadhog can do this himself, but lets Rat take care of him.

“Now, the government has opened up the park again after it was closed for many years, but the hot springs are still off-limits to the public.” Rat’s face is right up close to the screen as he bites his lip, pushing the Hogdrogen into the mask. He’s obscured by yellow fog for a moment while Roadhog takes a deep breath. “Dunno why, maybe there’s Omnic sightings or somethin’? We can handle whatever is up here. Which is why we’re askin’ Ssu-ying to lead the way.”

Hog’s breathing evens out and Junkrat dances on ahead, motioning for their guide to keep walking. 

“Tea Nation,” Rat babbles on with his back to the camera as any good show host would. “Right about now, ya might be wonderin’ ‘why the fuck am I watchin’ this? I want my tea review!’ Have no fear! I gotcha covered. Show ‘em the business, Hoggy.”

The camera points down to the cooler as Roadhog’s big fingers daintily unzip it. Two bubble tea cups, one brown, one green, sit surrounded by ice. Looks like he planned ahead.

“But ya have ta wait until we get to the hot springs!” Rat titters with excitement as he carefully hops to avoid a root. “Ssu-ying says it’ll take ‘bout an hour to get there. Jus’ ta keep things short, I’ll have Roadie pause the video and start it up when we get to the springs. See ya in a tick!”

The vid cuts out and back in. Rat’s face is scowling into the camera. Some time must have passed because they seem to be in a slightly different location, but it’s impossible to tell how much.

“Turn it off, we’re not at the springs yet.”

Roadhog remains unmoving, tablet shoved in Rat’s angry face. Ssu-ying can be seen with a healthy distance from them, unsure of what to make of this standoff.

“I wanted the Tea Nation to see what a needy asshole you were being,” Roadhog says.

“Jus’ cause I asked ya to carry me?”

“Yes.”

“Well, woo-de-doo,” Rat waves his hands around his head. “I asked my bodyguard to carry me up a side of a fuckin’ volcano. How the fuck could I be so selfish?”

Roadhog chuckles and pushes Junkrat’s head out from blocking the whole screen. “Move so I can show them how steep it is.”

A well-worn hiking trail gently slopes up ahead of them, curving through the forest. There’s even a bench up ahead. They’re not exactly like Frodo and Sam going up Mt. Doom as Junkrat would have you think.

“Now if yer done shamin’ me to the audience,” Junkrat says, putting himself back in front of Hog. “Please?” That word is so soft and sweet and pathetic, you’re convinced that Hog will see through the attempts to manipulate him, but to your surprise, Hog bends over, dropping a shoulder for Junkrat to hop on his back.

“That’s right!” Rat howls behind the camera as he mounts up. “Forward, my steed!”

“If you try to use my ponytail to steer me, I will throw you off so fast-”

“Gotcha, mate, gotcha. Now go catch up with Ssu-ying, I can tell she’s thinkin’ of makin’ a getaway.”

The video cuts ahead and they’re at their destination. The trees part ways to reveal several small streams carved into the basaltic cliff face, cascading downward into one large, steaming pool. There are man-made stairs guiding downward with disused railings, telling of a time that this place was a popular destination with locals and tourists alike. But not today. It’s just for these two freaks.

“Okay, Ssu-ying’s all tied up,” Junkrat hobbles into frame. The camera pans to the side where you can see their sniffling tour guide bound to a tree facing away from the pools. Junkrat’s done her some kindness to leave her hands with a bit of room so she can eat a couple doughy dumplings left beside her.

Before Hog can even say anything, Junkrat is bounding off down the slippery steps to the steaming pools, dropping his trousers as he goes.

“Be careful!” Roadhog bellows after the speeding Junker.

Rat’s skinny ass and free-hanging cock are now starring in this video. You’re wondering when you signed up to watch low budget Junker porn. Wasn’t this supposed to be about tea?

“Careful is my middle and last name, mate,” Rat says, pegleg skidding to a halt as he almost falls face-first into the pool. He kicks his shorts off his booted foot and squats beside the water.

“You’re taking your leg off before you get in, I hope,” Roadhog cautions him, lumbering over beside him.

“But what if the Omnics come out when I get in?”

“I’ll carry you.” Roadhog drops the cooler down beside them. He’s not filming himself, but from the clothed shuffling and the way Junkrat is staring up in lecherous wonder, you can tell he’s undressing as well. 

Hog reaches down and turns Rat’s head away. “Leg off.”

Grumbling as he does, Rat loosens the straps and sets the peg on top of his crumpled shorts along side his grenade launcher and bandoleer. He scooches closer to the edge, his foot not daring to enter yet.

“How ‘bout we set up the tablet on that rock there?” Rat snatches it up, not waiting for an answer. His tongue pokes out in concentration and he steadies the tablet in a crevice a couple feet away from them.

“If that falls in the water, you’ll lose all the videos you’ve done so far,” Hog says, reaching out to stick a foot in the water. Despite now being totally naked (and wow is that man hung), he’s still wearing his leather mask. 

“Stop bein’ such a worrier,” Rat responds right as the screen hitches and slides down. He deftly catches it before it hits the water. He glances over his shoulder to see if Hog is giving him a scornful glare to end all scornful glares, but his bodyguard is too busy warming his feet in the pool, head tilted up towards the sky, giving Rat a free pass on this one. “Everything’s all good,” Rat assures him as he fixes the tablet into place and crawls back to Hog.

A few moments pass as the Junkers rest outside the spring in silence. Listening, breathing in the warm air, the whistling of the breeze in the nearby trees. It’s peaceful, totally at odds with who these two are, agents of chaos, destruction. But somehow they are all in balance here.

“Together?” Rat asks, turning towards Hog, wide grin on his lips.

Hog gives a nod and they both slip down into the pool. There’s a few seconds of ooo-ing and some painful adjustment to the temperature before they settle with their backs against the outer wall. They leave a few feet of space between them as they try their best not to overheat.

“Hog, I’m worried ‘bout ya havin’ a heat stroke with that mask on.” A disinterested grunt is all he gets from his partner. “I know ya think yer all tough bein’ able to survive the Outback wearin’ that the whole time, but yer a ham cookin’ in a glorified pot of hot water here, mate. What’re ya tryin’ to prove? No one’s gonna see the vid, ya know that.” Rat yammers on, leaning over the side to pull the cooler over. 

While Rat fishes around in the cooler, Roadhog silently loosens the straps around his head and slides the mask up. It’s strange to see a face beneath the mask. Your mind filled it in with a variety of options, from pig’s face to baby face to deformed face to no face at all. Reality is often not as exciting as mystery but the fact that you’re seeing it at all is almost remarkable in and of itself. Thick brows form a permanent scowl and plump lips easily draw a frown. He has small, grey eyes that cast uneasy glances at the camera. It’s a marked face with scars and a large burn to hint at a difficult life, not unhandsome in its own way. 

Junkrat sinks back into the water with two cups in his hands and almost drops them when he sees his partner has actually listened to him and taken off the mask. The gears in Rat’s head grind against his knee jerk desire to make a big deal about this, to fawn over a face he loves and rarely gets to see. Instead he thrusts his hand out to Roadhog with the brown bubble tea, small, smitten smile on his lips.

“Okay, Tea Nation! First up is Lemon Black Tea for Hoggo! Whadya think?”

All eyes are on Roadhog as he slips the straw into his mouth and takes a sip. Rat waits with bated breath, searching Roadhog’s naked face for some sort of reaction.

“Well?” He says when he wasn’t getting anything.

“‘S good.”

“Just good?”

“Yeah.”

“Like what kind of number good?”

“10.”

Rat folds his arms across his chest, lips downturning. “Ya can’t say something’s ‘just good’ then give it a 10 outta 10.”

“Sure I can.”

“Okay, sure,” Rat rolls his eyes, playing towards the camera. “Roadhog gives this plain lemon tea a “10” outta 10.” He swims closer to the tablet, pressing up to the mic. “Roadhog is new at this so we’re gonna say his numbers are weighted differently. A Roadhog 10 is the same as a Junkrat 7.”

Roadhog shakes his head as he sips the tea down. When he pulls the straw out from the cup, you suddenly realize what’s about to happen. Just as Junkrat turns to swim back to Roadhog, a dozen bubbles pelt him in the face. A first-time victim of bubble assault, it takes Rat a moment to process the humiliation that comes with having sticky globs plopped on your face. Rat howls and himself hurls at his assailant. Unfiltered by his mask, Roadhog’s laughter rings out clearly through the forest as he protects himself from Rat’s flailing arms.

“You knew I was gonna do that,” Roadhog says, pushing Rat’s head away with one hand and handing him the green bubble tea with the other. “Go do yours.”

“Ya cunt,” Rat says, snatching up the tea. “Yer lucky ya’ve got a handsome face.” He turns back to the camera. “Today, for the real review, we have Matcha Green Tea!” He spins the cup for the viewer. “This is a very popular flavor and I’m excited to try it.” Rat takes a few sips of the beverage, eyes narrowing as he considers the flavors. “Hmm, very interesting. You’ll probably have ta try it yerself to fully understand the complex flavor profile.”

In the background, Roadhog snorts at Junkrat’s usage of the phrase, but keeps drinking his lemon tea.

“I’d best describe it as bein’ earthy… a little like grass. And before ya comment sayin’ ‘Junkrat, how the hell do you know what grass tastes like, you’re from a desert wasteland’, I will say while tha’s true, I ate grass the very first time I went to a park in Sydney and Roadie will back me up on that.”

“That’s definitely true.”

“See? So I’m an expert and ya can trust me. And if yer like me and ya like the flavor of grass, you’ll love matcha!” Rat takes one more sip just to be sure. “I give it 9 outta 10. Better than taro for sure.”

He floats over to Roadhog, holding up the cup.

“Mate, ya forgot to do the bubbles! Do ‘em with me!”

Both men thoughtfully chew down on the bubbles.

“Pretty chewy,” Rat says, opening his mouth to show them. “But that’s probably our fault since we bought these like four hours ago.”

“Mine are fine,” Hog refutes him. “10 out of 10, couldn’t ask for better bubbles.”

“Lemme try ‘em,” Rat says skeptically, holding his mouth open.

“No.”

“Why the hell not?”

“‘Cause they’re mine.” In one final sip, Roadhog slurps up all the remaining bubbles from his cup and chews them defiantly in front of Junkrat. The smaller man lunges at him, grabbing his face with both hands and forcing his jaw open. God, it’s weird how they flirt. So physical, confrontational. It would seem to the untrained eye that they don’t get along, vocally and physically berating and prodding each other all the time, but it’s how they show affection. One moment, Junkrat might be trying to forcibly remove half-chewed bubbles from his partner’s mouth and the next they might be furiously making out… like they are now.

Hog’s hands are on Rat’s ass, lifting him almost entirely out of the water and up onto his belly. Lips and teeth crash together, biting, pulling with need. Rat tugs Hog’s hair free, running both hands through it, pulling on a handful. Hog sucks on Rat’s bottom lip before letting it go with a pop and biting his way down his neck. As strange and unconventional as they may look together, you can tell their relationship is founded upon an understanding of each other, a well-established trust, the way give and take shifts between them. They kiss each other more slowly and deliberately now, the initial need for frantic, lustful contact subsiding.

Just as suddenly as they started, they pull apart, foreheads resting together, breathing heavily. They aren’t close enough to the microphone to pick up what Rat whispers to Roadhog, hands clutching at his partner’s scarred cheeks, a seriousness in his eyes. The mask is not there to hide anything on Roadhog’s face and an uncertainty twinges across it as his eyebrows furrow and he bites back a frown. He tries to respond a few times, struggling to form the words. It feels painfully long for Junkrat to realize Hog’s not going to find the words he needs to say, golden eyes flitting with an ill-placed hopefulness back and forth from Hog's eyes to his mouth. Finally, Rat drops his hands from his partner’s face and slips back into the water.

Embarrassment crosses Rat’s face as he sees the tablet, remembering its watchful eye. He pushes off the rocks and swims over to it.

“Rat…” Hog’s voice rings out behind him. He’s moved his hands up to his face, to cover the burning in his cheeks, not from the heat of the water.

“No worries, mate,” he reassures him. “Jus’ gotta finish up the vid. Hot water’s prolly gettin’ to me head.” Rat forces a smile for the camera. “All right, Tea Nation, I… uh… gotta go now. Oh!” Junkrat grabs his half-drank matcha. “I forgot to shoot my bubbles! I wonder if I can hit Ssu-ying from here…”

You can’t see the tree where Ssu-ying had been tied, but from the rapidly changing expression on Rat’s face, it’s clear something’s wrong.

“Uhh, Roadhog? Ssu-ying’s gone.”

“Fuck…” 

“Time ta go! Cops are gonna have this trail barricaded off right quick if we don't get outta here,” Rat says, trademark grin returning. He’s relieved that there is a convenient segway out of whatever awkwardness sprang up between him and Hog. “Jus’ ta set the record straight, we were gonna let her go. That was supposed to happen once we were safely on our way back to the city but we don’t call this Tea on the Run for nothin’! Wish us luck, Tea Nation!”

The video cuts to black, leaving you with more questions than you thought possible for a tea review show.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize to anyone who did not want the angst! But to me, it’s the tensions that crop up in their relationship that make it so interesting, the contrast in dynamics between being unhinged criminals with fucked up pasts and caring partners. I felt that in the long run for this fic, we need the bad to make the fluff meaningful.
> 
> Also, I bumped this up to a M rating. Not sure if that matters to anyone, but with kidnapping and naked makeouts, I felt M rating was probably more apt.
> 
> Thank you, as always, for all the feedback. It really keeps me going with this fic!
> 
> My Tumblr: [Thyme-Basalt](https://thyme-basalt.tumblr.com/)


	6. Honey & Winter Melon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Junkertown plot wasn't the first time Junkrat and Roadhog used disguises for a ridiculous plan.

A small blob lies in the middle of the filthy floor, covered in a blanket. It’s the same patchwork blanket you recognize from the ASMR episode, except instead of covering their motorbike, it’s covering this lumpy figure.

At this point, you’re able to tell who’s holding the camera without even seeing him. The way the screen lumbers closer and slowly zooms in on the blanket pile- you know this is not the sporadic movements of twitchy Junkrat. If that isn’t enough of a tell, you can hear the faint breathing behind camera, heavy puffs in and out behind a mask.

A foot pokes into frame. It’s wearing a tube sock and there’s something so humanizing about that fact that you forget for a moment that it belongs to a 7.5 foot behemoth. The foot gives a gentle nudge to the pile and a squeak emits, folding the blanket in on itself. In its shuffle, an orange pegleg pops out of the bottom of the blanket (as if it could be anyone else).

“Get up, Rat,” the grumbling voice says. It’s hard not to read him as demanding, but the slight exasperation in the gravelly voice tells you this is probably isn’t the first time he’s asked.

“Leave me alone, ya big fatty.”

“You’ve been lying there for two hours.” Roadhog drops to his knees beside the mopey puddle, bringing the camera closer.

“So?” The muffled voice responds. “Ain’t nothing else to do while locked up in this shithole. Can’t leave ‘cause the cops will get us, can’t fuck ‘cause I wore you out, can’t read ‘cause my head hurts-”

“Maybe your fans want to hear from you?”

That gets Rat’s attention. He shuffles around until just his angular face pokes out of the blanket. His hair is pressed down by the edges of the blanket, and it frames his face in a way that hides his bald spots and receding hairline. With his wide and seeking eyes, this is the closest you’ve ever seen him look to the age that’s emblazoned on the wanted vids.

“My fans?” A spark lights in his eyes as he flicks them to the camera Hog’s holding in front of him. “It’s been… 185 days, you think they’ll still want to hear from me?”

“It’s been four days,” Hog corrects him. “We’ve been lying low for four whole days.”

“Feels like six months,” Rat pouts, tucking the blanket up under his chin. “I hate lying low. All because we wanted a tour guide to take us to the springs and they go and put ‘kidnapping’ charges on us? The Taiwanese people are not friendly, 1/10, would not recommend.”

Hog grunts in agreement. His hand reaches into the camera view and hesitates for a moment before affectionately scratching Rat’s cheek. The younger man beams as he leans into the touch. He unfolds out of the blanket a little more, his hair popping up with static.

“Ya think I should make a tea video?” Rat asks, looking past the camera up at Hog. “You promise they haven’t forgotten ‘bout me?”

Hog sighs instead of reminding Rat again that it’s only been four days. You also wonder if Rat’s forgotten that there are no “fans” for his videos. At some point he knew that, but his memory doesn’t seem to be the greatest and it wouldn’t surprise you if he forgot that Hog is his one and only.

“You’re already making it.”

“I’m gonna delete all this, of course.” Rat scoffs, rolling his eyes knowingly at the screen. “Editing magic, remember? Can’t have the fans thinkin’ I’m some kinda poutin’, tantrum-havin’ child.”

“Can’t have them _knowing_ that.”

“Yer a right cunt, ya know that?” They’re harsh to each other but you can see the way Rat’s staring up at him, there’s a great deal of affection there. You wonder if he gets it back through the foggy lenses he’s staring into.

He bounds to his feet, still wrapping himself in the blanket. He wobbles a little bit and steadies himself on Hog’s arm as all the blood rushes to his head. Muttering quietly about flattering angles, Rat grips the arm holding the camera and maneuvers it so it’s pointing slightly down at him. He puts on a pose, stroking his jaw thoughtfully.

“How am I gonna make a tea video if we can’t leave the warehouse without gettin’ jumped by cops?” He doesn’t leave room for input as he pushes ahead: “We could order delivery tea and then just shoot the bloke who shows up.” Now his eyes seek approval from the camera. When he gets none he shakes his head. “Too right, too right, too suspicious. Don’t want to add ‘dead boba tea delivery man’ to our rap sheet.”

He paces back and forth, the big blanket sliding down to drag behind him like a train on a wedding gown, except instead of wearing a wedding gown, he’s wearing… nothing at all. You assumed he’d be wearing his normal nasty shorts but the blanket is falling low on his hips and you can see too much crack and hipbones for that to be the case.

Hog seems to realize at the same time and the camera zooms in on the muscle-bound back and glides down his back before snapping up to Rat’s face.

“You makin’ the camera ogle me, Hogs?” Rat asks, hiking the blanket up. “This is supposed to be a kid’s show.”

“No it’s not.”

“Okay, fine, it’s supposed to be family-friendly.”

A pair of green shorts hit him in the face.

“Then put your pants on.”

Junkrat grumbles and turns his back to the camera, shuffling on the pants. By the time he turns around, his face beams with the birth of a new idea.

“It’s brilliant, Hog! How did I not think of it?” He hunches over and heaves the blanket up over his shoulders, giving himself a squat, hulking form. “Disguises!”

Metal fingers grip around Hog’s camera-holding wrist and pull the camera closer to his face.

“Ya know what the most recognizable thing is about us?” His eye is practically filling the entire screen.

He’s actually waiting for an answer. Hog takes his time choosing it.

“Your voice.”

“No, ya drongo! Our diverse and unusual body shapes! Everyone knows the tall and skinny man goes with the taller, fat man!” Junkrat turns the camera to show him, delivering a poke to Hog’s belly. “And how do we keep people from recognizing those body shapes? Disguises! More specifically-” Rat picks up the blanket and a couple ratty pillows. “Padding!”

The camera moves side to side slowly as you’re certain Hog is shaking his head and pressing his palm to his forehead.

“Don’t make that face at me. Just watch the magic,” Rat digs in his pocket and whips out a small knife, cutting the pillow in half. He unbuckles his shorts and stuffs the pillow down the back, giving himself a comically and impractically large behind.

“See?” He says, bumping it against Hog. “It’s a whole new booty!”

“This will attract more attention,” the ever practical Hog says, poking his finger into it.

Rat giggles and exaggeratedly bends over to grab a handful of blankets. You think this may be one of his sexy attempts, but the extra padding just sends him tumbling to the ground.

“It won’t attract more attention if ya help me strap the rest of it on. C’mon, mate, help us out!”

This is the point where the video could use the magic of editing to show the next hour in a timelapse, depicting the two of them rushing around, ripping up blankets and pillows, arguing, trying and failing to add mass to Junkrat’s skinny body. But instead, it’s just an hour of unedited footage of the two idiots. By the end, they’ve strapped Junkrat up to look like a large, curvaceous creature, bulging belly, hips, thighs, booty. Because he only has a pair of shorts, they don’t pad his knees and below, giving him the thickest thighs attached to the thinest calves. They’ve added mass to his shoulders and back, stuffing under his hoodie and making him wider and more hunched than before. His hood is pulled up and tight around his head. You give them one point- he doesn’t look like Junkrat anymore. He looks like a complete and total idiot, but not Junkrat the Complete and Total Idiot.

“Now…” Lumpyrat can barely move his arm as he tries to stroke his chin as Hog holds the camera on him. “What can we do to disguise you? We can’t really take away mass and we sure as hell don’t want to add more...”

Of course they haven’t thought this through. Junkrat’s about to have a heat stroke in his padding and they haven’t even figured out what they’re going to do with Hog.

“You should stay here,” Rat says definitively, clamping his hands on Hog’s masked cheeks. “The nearest tea shop is about a 20 minute waddle from here. I’m sure I can make it just fine without ya.”

Hog growls low and sets the camera down on a table, still filming. His hands come to rest on the ridiculously padded hips and they squeeze with a sort of protectiveness.

“I know ya don’t like it when I go out alone,” Rat says. “But it’s okay. They recognize us as a pair. No one’s gonna see one big, bootylicious dude and think ‘that’s Junkrat! Get ‘im!’”

“They might think you’re me,” Hog chuckles.

Rat giggles, leaning against his partner. “You’ll let me go?”

“Not safe,” Hog says, scooping up the tablet and pressing it into Rat’s hands.

Junkrat trains the camera on Hog as he trudges over to their supplies, just wearing a pair of boxers and the socks you saw earlier. He slips on some pants and a large jacket that barely zips over his gut. He drops his mask next to his supplies and yanks out his ponytail holder, tussling out his hair. Slipping his boots on, he turns to the camera and gives a half-hearted shrug at his disguise attempt. Rat scoffs behind the camera.

“Ya barely look any different. Ya sure I can’t pad yer tits at all?”

“I’ll trail behind you,” Hog says, ignoring his request and pushing a large pair of sunglasses onto his nose. “I’ll make sure nothing happens to you.”

“Awww,” the Lumpyrat tries to turn the camera around to face him but he fumbles as his padded arms won’t let him. He gives up and points it back at Hog. “Ya care ‘bout me and my bubble tea!”

“We need to do a recon run anyway. Get a feel for how hot it is, how many cops are around.”

“It’s plenty hot in here,” Rat says, fanning himself.

“Well let’s get going then,” Hog says, snatching the tablet from him. He’s about to shut it off when Rat squawks at him.

“Ya gotta keep the camera on me!” Rat says puffing up his chest and standing straight. God, that somehow makes him look weirder. “Don’t want ta miss a second of this booty!”

Hog gives an annoyed sigh, but keeps the camera on.

Once they’re out the door, the freakshow splits up, Lumpyrat proudly striding a couple hundred feet ahead of his partner. The people on the street stare at him with all the horror, wonder and confusion you were expecting. Mothers hurry their children out of his way, businessmen step into the street to avoid him, people eating in cafes gawk out the window. Barely perceptible from the audio, you can hear that Rat’s not greeting people with his usual “g’day!” but rather saying “howdy, howdya do” in some strange American/Canadian mashup accent.

Fortunately, everyone’s interest is sucked up by Junkrat, so by the time they pass Roadhog, they don’t give him as many side glances as they normally would. Still, you can tell Hog’s counting the paces until they’re through with this.

Hog turns a corner and you catch a glimpse of the bulging form of Junkrat waddling into a shop with a pink and purple glowing cup of tea. Hog breaths out a slight sigh of relief, leaning against the wall. The camera pans back and forth, scanning the street. No signs of cops around.

You’re a bit surprised Hog went along with this plan, but the man surprises you again and again when it comes to what he’ll do for Junkrat. You can’t help but remember the strange interaction between them up at the springs, the uncertainty and awkwardness you hadn’t seen before. A few days have passed since that and you don’t know if they discussed it at all, but they don’t seem to be carrying any of the discomfort forward.

Time ticks by slowly and you can tell Hog grows anxious by the way he camera continually drifts back to the bubble tea shop, hoping the puffy form of Junkrat will stride out at any moment. There’s no hiding his anxiety about letting the man out of his sight. At one point he takes a couple steps in the direction, but stops, letting out an annoyed grunt at himself.

Ten minutes later, the barely-recognizable form of Junkrat steps out of the store, waving goodbye to a school-aged girl and boy. Smiling widely, he strides up to Hog holding two cups of bubble tea.

“Talked to some locals! They were much happier to help ole Dougie Brown from the States of the United than they woulda been for regular Jamison ‘Junkrat’ Fawkes.”

Hog snorts at him and pushes him ahead, encouraging the space between them again.

“Gotcha honey milk tea!” Rat says, not taking the cue and handing it over to Hog. “The kiddos in there said ya’d like it. Told ‘em all about ya! Told ‘em about yer face and yer hair and yer big belly and how mean you are and how much you care-”

“‘Course you did,” Hog takes the tea. “Go on ahead, no sign of cops yet.”

The two make it back to the abandoned building that they’ve made their home, with only one brush with death when Junkrat almost got clipped by a motorist. He fell back on his ass, but bounced back up with no harm done. Hog had surged ahead, ready to come to his aid, but his companion brushed himself off with ease and waved him off.

“For myself I got winter melon milk tea!” Junkrat says with a grin, waving the empty container as Hog closes and arms the door behind him. “Finished it on the way back though. Whoops.”

Hog focuses the camera in on the empty cup. “That doesn’t make for great TV if you already finished it.”

“That’s alright!” Rat says, as he sheds off his back hump and padded shoulders. “Sometimes it’s about the journey and not the destination!”

“It’s about you looking like a puffed up moron on the streets of Taipei?”

“Yeah! And you getting to admire me, which I know ya did.”

The camera shakes with Hog and he sighs.

Rat pulls his hoodie off, his pillow belly still strapped on. “I’d give winter melon a 7 outta 10. Pretty mild flavor so they threw a shitton of sugar in to make up for it.” He tilts his chin at Hog’s tea. “What did ya think of yers?’

“Haven’t tried it yet.” Hog sets it down along with the tablet and settles his hands on Rat’s belly. “I’ll have it later.”

“You know,” Rat’s smile widens. “It says ‘best consumed within 2 hours.’ Don’t want it to go all bad and the bubbles all hard.”

“It won’t take me two hours to get this padding off you.”

“It will if ya have to catch me first!”

Rat tries to sprint away, but his thigh padding falls down his legs and trips him, sending him careening into the ground next to their mattress. He tries to get up, but his peg is tangled in the pillows and he can’t get any leverage on his oversized ass.

“Lil help?” He grunts from the floor.

Hog reaches over past the camera and picks up the bubble tea, giving it a loud slurp. “Maybe I’ll drink this now.” He makes no movement to go help his fallen companion.

“You cock! I’m in distress! If I fell in the street like this you’d be wettin’ yer pants with fear that I’d hurt myself. But as soon as we’re back in our safehouse, you couldn’t give a flyin’ fuck if I’m dangling by my bits out the window!”

Hog picks up the camera, pointing it at himself for the first time in the episode.

“This has been episode 54 of my documentary ‘How to Cope: Sharing your Life with an Idiot.’”

“You cunt!” Rat screams from off screen. “When I get my ass off I am coming for you-”

Hog sips his tea loudly and flips the camera off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back on my bullshit. I'd like to update this fic more regularly and Junkrat will probably start departing a bit more from his regular formula. He's the type to mix it up every once in a while. Hope you've enjoyed this overdose of ridiculous fluff. Your feedback for me, Hog or Junkrat is always appreciated!
> 
> Thanks to [Silly](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Scrunchles/pseuds/Scrunchles) for betaing this nonsense.
> 
> Follow me for more Roadrat on Tumblr! [Thyme-Basalt](https://thyme-basalt.tumblr.com/)


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